What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Less talking, more tequila
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
