Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
