some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Randomize
