you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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