I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
