Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Where is the hickey?
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
