I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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