If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
