Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
