I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
God, I missed his penis.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
