note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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