After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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