How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
