im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
