I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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