Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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