gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
