I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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