he thought i was a dude.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
