Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
