Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Randomize
