I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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