I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize