Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
