I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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