I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
