So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
