3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I party with great urgency now.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
