y did u give ur computer a hand job?
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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