my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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