i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Ladies don't puke and tell
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
