I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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