I hope mine doesn't look like that
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
