I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
50% drunk capacity currently
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
