We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
