today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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