My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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