i came on her dog
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
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