I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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