I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
