Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
