I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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