I think my vagina is haunted
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
