I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
