Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
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