what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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