tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
