Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
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