i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
