I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize