Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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