Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize