Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
