My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
