she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
