At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
