If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
You did what with his pubic hair?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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