Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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