Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
