I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
whose parrot is this?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
