you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
