Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Randomize
